It’s been a while. I know. Jesus, what happened in all that time? Time really flies these days and you blink and BAM! It’s the end of July …
I’ve been thinking a lot about my blog and website and how the heck I want to use it. And what to write actually …
There was a time when I was super active and posted almost every week. Fuck, I was so proud of myself.
“Look at me, putting the word out there!”
But then I hit a point when I was focusing more on my story writing. I worked a lot on my own two tv shows and their pilots. I also wrote several little short scripts, published new chapters of my German Wattpad story every Monday, and started developing a German tv show …
And still, while I’m sitting here with my beloved coffee, I feel guilty because I DON’T DO ENOUGH.
Jesus, really, Jule? WHAT THE FUCK!? How’s that not enough??!
That’s probably what you thought or said right now. And yes, I know. But it’s my mind that‘s struggling with the fact that I’m actually a freaking hustler and I should be damn proud of myself.
“Mind, we need to talk!”
It’s so weird, isn’t it?
Sometimes my mind is like “Nah, not gonna do that right now and that’s okay” and then, a few minutes later it’s like “Girl, you should put more of your writing out there! You gotta hustle and make yourself known as a writer to become successful”.
It’s really exhausting and I’ve been dealing with that the last weeks more intensely than ever before.
Mind: Well, you could write more articles for vocal media or for your website. I mean you’re paying for both of it. When was the last time you published something?
Me: I don’t know. A month ago maybe? But who cares right now? I’m not in the mood to write articles. I want to work on my stories.
Mind: Uh–huh, and who pays you to “work on your stories”?
Me: Eh … no one. But it’s the same with the articles. I don’t get money from them.
Mind: Not yet. But if you would publish more and more, you could earn money at one point.
Mind: Or you could just get your stories finally done and submit them to competitions, pitch them, or publish them? I mean, that’s not some cheap witchcraft. Just do it.
Me: What the fuck do you think I’m doing every day?!
Mind: Well, you watch a lot of Netflix.
Me: Only in the evenings when I’m done with my writing.
Mind: You spend a lot of time on instagram and twitter.
Me: Yes, in my breaks. And to get inspired and network a little.
Mind: You chat awfully much with your friends.
Me: They’re my friends! What the fuck are you trying to do here? Do you want to make me feel guilty or what?
Mind: No, no, no. Oh my god. No, of course not.
Mind: I’m just saying that—
Body: Hey guys, I’m so sorry to interrupt but your fighting and the constant hustle got me really exhausted and I’d love to have some time for self-care. If it’s not too much trouble. I mean, I totally get that you’re busy … don’t worry. I’m just trying to function as good as I can … until I can’t. But like I said, don’t worry.
Shit, I forgot my body … again.
While I’m fighting with my mind and try to make it understand that I’m doing enough, I almost every time forget my body. I guess because I’ve never really taken care of it anyway.
Only a few years ago I started to be more present with it. Also because a few years ago I hit 25 years. And it’s really weird but at that point in your life, it’s like your body turns a switch and is like “Well, from now on, I’m gonna need more time to rest, I’m more sensitive and I also will hurt a lot more more easily and faster.”
It’s like your body turned from super young adult with almost no body problems to “I’m too fucking old for this shit”.
The struggle with self-care is real.
For me, it is. I often don’t want to listen to my body. Only if it’s too late and I’m really exhausted and moody. It’s the moments when I feel personal attacked by everything and I can’t shut my mind down for a minute.
I tried to schedule my self-care but that’s not working at all. I just ignore that and tell myself: “Nah, that’s not a good time right now. I’ll do that tomorrow.”
It’s if I’m running from my body. I’m pushing and pushing and pushing until I can’t anymore.
The only good thing is that I recognise sooner that I’m exhausted or that I’m gonna be if I continue like that. Sometimes I take it seriously and force myself to take a break, but sometimes I acknowledge it but keep going.
I guess it’s a constant learning process and it’s a struggle I’ve been fighting for years.
So, for everyone (and myself) who also struggles with self-care and is someone who constantly hustles:
YOU’RE DOING ENOUGH! YOU ARE ENOUGH!
YOU ARE ALSO LOVED FOR NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE! YOU ARE LOVED!
DON’T FUCKING STRESS YOURSELF AND COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS! EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PACING!
TAKE A FUCKING BREAK! GO ON A WALK! LISTEN TO THE PODCAST OR YOUR FAVOURITE SONG! WATCH THE TV SHOW OR THE MOVIE! READ THAT BOOK!
JUST TAKE A FUCKING BREAK!
Because you, your body, and mind deserve it.
With much love and appreciation,